


the cursed revolver ocelot that drinks all your pepsi and calls you a bitch

by saintsugoi



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: M/M, Why Did I Write This?, cursed fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 23:06:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16901523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintsugoi/pseuds/saintsugoi
Summary: this was written for my friend james and this has a bunch of inside jokes. this was all written because we have a running inside joke about ocelot





	the cursed revolver ocelot that drinks all your pepsi and calls you a bitch

**Author's Note:**

> :-)

snake was in some serious shit cause some guy with a gun had just shown up to kill him. he was a furry or something, i think. 

"snake, you asswipe. i've come to kill you." the man (apparently named revolver ocelot, what a stupid name lmaoooo) said.

"i didn't even do anything to you, bithc" snake hissed, like an actual snake. it was his scalesona. 

"well whatever. i've come to kill you anyway.," ocelot evil'd evilly. "cause this dude said so."

"wot dude" snake asked, hoping he would be stupid enough to get some information out of him willingly. 

"liquid snake" ocelot said, like a dumbass, twirling his mustache. "he's some blonde asshole who's paying me a huge sum for big boss' remains and your laifu"

"why does he want big boss so bad, he was a dickwad" snake lol'd at him

"in all honesty he said some sciencey stuff i didn't understand and then screamed 'SNAAAAAAAKE!' at the top of his lungs before slamming a table with his fist dramatically. don't ask me, but he might be a little bit............ yknow............."

"a little bit what" snake asked, leaning in closer. "a little bit what, ocelot."

"rEtArDeD... or gay, it could be either." 

"so he's a snaggot?" 

"yea i guess lol" 

"a snaggot, huh." snake said out of instinct because that's just what he does. 

"anyway!," ocelot yelled all of a sudden, scaring the funk out of snake. "it's time to die u little bitch!!"

"oh fuck i remembered we were supposed to be fighting each other" 

ocelot started to spins his guns at him but quickly got his arm fucking shot off cause he was spinning it, you know, like a dumbass. 

"argh. hold on, i need to get this replaced." ocelot said, quickly walking away as if he had been caught beeting his meet in public. 

"ok well whatever." he shrugged and kept moving. 

as he went to go find his hostages, he stumbled across some genji overwatch rip off harassing a weeaboo. snake only knew he was a weeaboo because he was wearing an anime t-shirt underneath his lab coat. 

"hey you, stop harassing that weeb u bully" snacc said. he was a solid snacc. 

"i'm kinkshaming him for his taste in anime, snake! he likes trash anime lol" the mysterious person said.

"i swear i don't have trash taste snake!! don't listen to him!!!" he interjected, snake raising an eyebrow at the strange gray man.

"well, i know nothing about anime so i can't make a jurisdiction." snake shrugged and took out a force-a-nature x1000 and shot the gray dude. 

"thanks for saving me ^0^, you must be solid snake! :3" he said.

"how are you doing that??" snake asked.

"doing what? ◑.◑" 

"that emoticon thing. how the fuck are you doing that." 

"oh, i dunno. （＾＿・）" he blonked. "yknow i was a little disappointed. ur not even a real snake."

"yeah, i mean, i'm a human. of course i'm not a real snake" he lied. he, in fact, was a real snake. 

"oh ok! i believe you. (*^ω^*)" he ^0^'d.

"again, how the F U N K do you do that." 

 

\-- later --

Ocelot had returned to fight snake, laughng evilly.

"snake, prepare for my special move- saying the N word!!!!!"  
"no ocelot don't do it! don't say the n word!"  
"ni-"

then all of a sudden, otacon came in and fuckin blasted his other arm off.

"auGHGHGhHgHgGH" he yelled, like the wuss poppin guy. 

"you forgot to buy milk, snake. you're depriving our daughter of her  
C A L C I U M"

"daughter? i didn't even know we had a daughter" he snaked

"you're neglecting your gay duties as my husband," otacon pointed the gun at him. "you're on a thin FUCKING line." he made the ok hand sign to measure the amount of shits he gave at that point.

"in fact, i didn't even know i was gay. certainly news to me."

before he could say anything else, an evil laughed echoed throughout wherever they were.

"that's what you think snake!! i've also come to say the n word!!!" liquid snake materialized out of nowhere evilly, his evil tiddies swaying sexily in the wind. 

"damn!" snake growled sexily, pulling out his multi-gun (aka a gun with like 5 more guns attached to it) and pointing it at liquid. "give it up bitch!" 

"dear brother," liquid laughed like a snobby person. "i'm here to take back what's rightfully mine- daddy- I MEAN big boss' genes. in his ashes. gimme."  
he blushed, because now he was being kinkshamed. 

"never!! you'll never get Z A D D Y's genes cause he's fuckin stoopid! he's our shriveled up pile of ash, you gay whore" snake said, channeling his scalesona. liquid also channeled his scalesona, a snake with a six pack. otacon started sweating profusely. 

"come get me you asshat" liquid lunged towards snake, the two brother's shirts ripped off sexily and suddenly they were wriggling around like sentient gummy worms in a jello bath. otacon couldn't help but grab his anime body pillow to wipe the profuse sweat from his weeby face. 

there was a lot of grunting going on until finally snake shoved liquid particularly hard and liquid just faded away like in infinity war. otacon couldn't take all this sexy man on man action and fainted on the spot because he was gay. 

"oh no, my husband" snake gasped after punching liquid particularly hard and rushed over to grasp his anime husbando in his arms.

"o-otacon...." snake snaked

he regained consciousness and wetly slapped a hand onto snake's cheek. "you guys look like gay strippers and it made me faint from all the blood rushing to my DICC"

"oh ok i thought you were dead" he set him gently back on the ground with a smorch and went back to fighting liquid, the gayness resuming.

-later uwu-

"wowza snake, i can't believe you stopped liquid with your bare, sexy hands"  
"yeah be impressed" snake said as his butt vibrated rapidly

suddenly ocelot showed up outta nowhere and pointed his gun @ snake and otacon with a '>:3'.

"har har" he evil'd evilly (even though he used that joke before) "time to die snaggot" 

otacon fucking shot him again and he did that thing that tf2 gmod characters do when they die

"otacon ur the real hero. you saved me from these two assholes twice"

"uwu" otacon blushed and started fuckin macking on snake in the snow. they funked

the end

epilogue

meryl walked out of shadow moses even though she was a prisoner and looked at the fornicating couple in the snow.  
"what the fuck?" she said

**Author's Note:**

> the n word is nuclear bomb


End file.
